What Is It Like To Be In A Relationship With A Narcissist Sociopath?
Many people wonder what it is like to be in a relationship with a narcissist sociopath, and how you can identify if you are dating one.
Warning! This is not a Disney tale kinda novel but sit tight because our heroine (that would be me) prevails in the end.
What was supposed to be a love story, turned out to be a nightmare like Sleeping with the Enemy movie and, at the very end, I was dealing with Robert De Niro in Cape of fear. Scary right? You bet it was!
For a freakin’ long, soul-crushing eight years, I was in a relationship with a narcissist sociopath. I consider myself a pretty smart lady and still was unable to get off the emotional rollercoaster ride.
Ladies, narcissists are the most manipulative people. They are driven by power, success, and beauty. It is very hard to see what is coming from the get-go. Imagine that you are dealing with a con artist, a scammer, a crook!
“The lion is most handsome when looking for food.”
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The Honeymoon Phase.
Experiencing a so romantic relationship you just see in the movies, I was convinced I had found the man of my life! We would hold hands, laugh together until I peed my pants, know each other’s likes and dislikes, have breakfast and dinner together, fall asleep watching movies. We loved to spend time with each other, or so I thought!
At first, everything was magical. I was living a fairytale, from treating me like a princess to carrying me in his arms in a parking lot and start dancing while the ground was covered in snow to calling at all times and giving me undivided attention. No joke, this guy was good!
Two months in, he said the three words. And just like that, the trap was set! I had no idea where I was getting myself into.
With regret, I remember my trip to Australia that had been planned before I met Joe, let’s give him a name for the sake of this post. He drove me to the airport and almost shed a tear of how much he was going to miss me.
Guys, I was touched beyond belief! We were seeing each other probably around a month, and the relationship was not even yet established.
While I was traveling in Australia with my brothers and friends, he would call me non-stop every day and talk for hours. I felt like this guy really likes me. When I was back, I had a $5K balance in cellphone charges, which he promptly footed the bill.
But what I failed to see was that Joe was keeping track of me and making sure I would not change my mind about him. Later I found out he had a great time dating different women almost every night during my trip.
Gathering Information To Use Against You.
In the beginning, they shower you with love and show, what seems genuine, interest in getting to know you. They are incredibly charming and charismatic, and it is easy for them to get whatever they want to know out of you. This is an indispensable step in a relationship with a narcissist.
Knowledge is power, and knowing all your likes, dislikes, fear, weaknesses, strengths, dreams, and hope will give them the ammunition needed to not only manipulate you but to also use against you.
This man should be your enemy and be out of your life! And instead, he is quickly gaining your trust, ensuring he will always be there for you and displaying bold acts of affection that you mistakenly assume is love. Because you so desperately want it to be love.
During that time, Joe was going through some dark stuff in his personal life. He seemed depressed and had a pending court decision that was a big deal. And, according to him, his ex-wife was not allowing him to see his kids.
The relationship evolved pretty fast, and in a matter of weeks, we were kind of living together. This man would spend every night in my house, and I became very attached falling hard for him.
This situation went on for a few months. All my energy shifted to care for Joe, the same way you care for a baby. Very needy, he demanded my full attention, and all my time was planned around his schedule.
Nobody can be kinder than the narcissist while you react to life on his terms.
The Roller Coaster Ride.
Quickly everything started to change. When things were good, Joe would spend time with his “buddies” when they were bad, he would come to me.
At this point, I had already boarded the roller coaster losing my identity along the way. The ups and downs were too much to handle. I cannot count how many times he talked about committing suicide and mentioned being depressed and how life sucked.
Next thing you know, he bought a top of the line luxury sports car and was partying every weekend. He was living large while I watched from the side.
Narcissists will threaten to kill themselves but never act on it. This is part of their game.
Most had a troubled childhood where they were neglected by their parents or suffered abuse. Whenever you consider leaving him, he will throw this information in your face and make you feel like a horrible human being.
The World MUST Revolve Around Him.
A priest I met once told me, “You can extend a hand to get him out of the water, but what if his intention is to drown you. What will it take for you to see which one it is?”
Mind game is their specialty. They mess with your head and play with your feelings. For any unforgivable behavior, they find a “plausible” explanation to justify it getting a free pass Every. Freakin’. Time.
Little by little, they damage your self-esteem until you stop believing in yourself. Narcissists like their women depending on them, so you can’t leave.
The conversations you have from now on are all about him, his job, his money, his big muscles, looks, and problems. The world must revolve around him!
The narcissist only cares about himself. You are just another one to them. They are incapable of feeling guilty or remorse. You serve them a purpose, and once you are in his circle, he makes it very hard for you to get out.
His ex-wife was the mother of his kids and would do all the work caring for them. I was the assistant. We would talk about his business, bounce ideas, I would write professional contracts, check properties, and attend meetings with him. The other girlfriend was the housekeeper. She followed a schedule when she had to be in his house and clean, cook, and watch his children while they were around.
Don't Ever Underestimate A Narcissist.
All of this was possible because he made sure we would never talk or meet each other. There were more to this list, including a married woman, a realtor, and a stripper, but I don’t think they specifically fitted any role.
These men have a soul of ice and no conscious. They firmly believe to be the best thing since sliced bread and expect to receive special treatment in any deals they make. They have an inflated sense of self-importance and entitlement. Being a bragger, they overly exaggerate their accomplishments.
During my ordeal, it became clear Joe had serious problems, and one of them was anger management. If you didn’t agree with him, or criticize anything, or call him out on something, that would be enough to get him screaming at the top of his lungs enraged.
The outbursts were out of proportion and plain scary. Joe would punch the wall, which he actually put a hole through, or the table, or anything in sight accompanied by hateful words.
Narcissists Are Bullies. They Are Better Than Everybody Else.
Joe was the type of person most tolerated, because they had no choice, and held a deep dislike for him. He was well known for his aggressive and obnoxious ways. The tough guy at the gym that would walk in like he owned the place.
Extremely arrogant, rude, racist, and violent, he got people’s respect through intimidation and bullying. His disdain for social rules and the law was also very apparent.
A story I found out after the end of the relationship, which is when I discovered most of the stuff here, behind my back, he would refer to me as “the immigrant” and also use a pejorative name. Joe loved to make fun of my accent and never missed an opportunity to take a stab on me.
His sense of superiority caused a lot of problems between us. The fact I had a pretty challenging job, making 6 figures, and attended college bothered him very much.
When he felt threatened, he would attack me by saying that people with college are stupid. He is much smarter than anyone he knows and could do any job. If I accounted for the number of hours I worked, my paying was pathetic, what a joke of job I had, he made tons more than me. During his monologue, I could not dare to open my mouth.
There were many elements in our relationship that would upset him. We had a different level of education, manners, and we were the opposite type of people. Most time, I was embarrassed by his behavior and afraid of what he could do when we were in public.
Abuse Always Escalates.
One of the many breakups we had, Joe was blasting in his car, screaming and losing his marbles. I decided I had enough and told him I was leaving. Grabbing me by the arm, he looked in my eyes and said, “No one turns his back on me. No one! Do you understand?”
That day was the turning point. I finally understood the gravity of the situation. I went to bed, shocked, thinking I had a broken arm and that I saw the devil. It was the first time he had hurt me.
Early morning he shows up to convince me he didn’t want to hurt me. It was an accident. He is not a coward and doesn’t hit women. What kind of man does that? His words!
Ladies, the devil did not show up just once. I was done. Joe was a walking, ticking time bomb set to go off at any moment for no reason.
What you need to know, guys like him, will do all in their power to keep you in your spot. In their sick mind, you belong to them, the same as their car. The difference is, they love their car.
Robert De Niro In Cape Of Fear Rings A Bell.
When I had my daughter. Things got ugly, like VERY ugly.
It felt I was on one of those movies I mentioned at the beginning. I got so paranoid about the cars watching my property, and even afraid to walk my dogs. I stopped going to the gym and doing groceries. I no longer left my house. At this point, I was certain I was dealing with a narcissist sociopath.
Phone calls at crazy hours, threatening text messages that would make anyone sick, showing up at the front door beating the daylights out of it, sending scary messages through friends to say goodbye to me.
Embarrassed to admit this, I asked my mom to turn off the lights and go under the bed to look like no one was home in case he got in.
In a week, I sold my house, and in no time, I was moving far away, leaving behind the place I loved and my support system. Exchanging that for peace of mind to live in a city where I knew no one with a child alone.
A Nightmare That Doesn't Seem To End.
The nightmare hadn’t quite ended yet. I still had to face Joe on a few more occasions in court. This was the bravest single thing I have ever done in my life. I could no longer sleep at night and started to experience panic attacks. I thought I was gonna die. Mostly, I cried.
One of the many texts, he warned me no woman takes him to court and I would pay for it. Ending the message with God be with you.
In another circumstance, he threatened to kill Molly, my beloved dog. That was the end to her walks.
This trial took two more years. In court, I had to run and lock myself in the bathroom from him when he came after me, and in several instances, he lost his temper, having his lawyer reminding him how to behave, trying to make him stop.
Today I am completely free. I was the first person that has confronted him.
Joe still tries to make amendments. He doesn’t remember ever being bad to me and doesn’t understand why things ended the way they did.
I am sure that if the devil existed, he would want us to feel very sorry for him.
A Few Lessons To Take Away.
Listen to me, I WILL NEVER FALL IN THIS TRAP AGAIN!
This experience taught me a few things:
- Don’t ever trust a narcissist. They are compulsive liars.
- IT IS NOT LOVE!
- It won’t EVER get better!
- Google is a great tool, use it!
- When someone tells you they are a mean mf, believe them!
- Love yourself.
- If everyone around him questions, why would you be with such a person, including his best friend and sister? Girl, that should speak loud to you!
- Love yourself.
- Don’t ignore the red flags… they are everywhere.
- Love yourself.
- If a guy physically hurts you, he must go.
- Love yourself.
- If a guy mentally tortures you, he must go.
- Love yourself.
- If your man is anything like Joe, run in the opposite direction.
- Love yourself.
- You can only win if you remove this person from your life forever. There is no compromising.
- If you need to google how to identify a narcissist or sociopath. Whatever situation you are in, you should get out.
- Love yourself.
The shame of putting yourself in a relationship like this is immeasurable. I can’t believe I let that all happen to me. My message to you is, you got this. You can do it!
Put on your big girl panties. Do whatever it takes but find the courage and be brave to face him head-on. These men are not used to deal with strong women. Take LEGAL action!
Stop reading the scary texts, and no matter what, do not answer the phone or open the door. Cut ties and no communication!
One of the worst feelings is to find yourself paralyzed by fear. Ladies pay attention to this story and all the nuances. If I can save one person from being with a narcissist or a sociopath, this post has done its job. It could also save a life. For sure, I saved mine!
And one last thing. Trust your gut! If you feel there is something wrong, you are probably right.
My dog Molly never liked Joe and was always alert and tense when he was around. I should have never ignored her perspicacity. Good dog, Molly!
Sending love and light.
A narcissist doesn’t break your heart, they break your spirit. That’s why it takes so long to heal.